(Next day, outside within the walls. Kids practicing shooting crossbows at targets, some are jabbing dummies with swords. Auggie enters and walks over to DUDE.)
DUDE: hey buddy, how did you sleep?
Auggie: actually pretty good. First time I slept in a bed in over a year. I almost forgot what it was like not having to worry about waking up to a zombie trying to eat your face for breakfast.
(Boomer comes out with a cart, looking nervous. DUDE, Stiletto, and Auggie go over to him.)
DUDE: Hey Boomer, what’s ya got for us today. Is the freeze gun ready?
Boomer: Hello DUDE, no, it is still not ready. I am having problems with the trigger mechanism. The forward propulsion hose keeps freezing up.
Auggie: Maybe you can ask Slix to help thaw off your hose. He he
Stiletto: ugh, don’t be gross
Boomer: I don’t think Slix is the correct person to ask for help. The problem seems to be with the air flow ratio. I usually ask Slix for help when I have a problem that is mechanical in nature
Auggie: I bet you do
Stiletto: stop
Boomer: I did bring some Tin Mollys for you DUDE. (holds out tin can)
DUDE: all right, I love making things go boom!
Boomer: be careful with these, I increased the concentration of the accelerant. They are more stable than the last batch, but the explosion will be exponentially larger.
DUDE: nice. Do they activate the same way?
Boomer: yes, just twist quarter turn counter clockwise and shake. You have 5 seconds to throw them. If you change your mind, initiate the failsafe by twisting the lid clockwise.
DUDE: awesome! (runs off with two)
Boomer: NOOB, may I see your M9 LEGACY MAPLE C243, I mean Bertha
Auggie: sure, but be careful with her
(Boomer pulls out a metal collar and attaches it to the end of Auggies bat. Hands bat back to him)
Auggie: What is this supposed to be?
Boomer: I call it Bertha’s Bonnet. Go ahead and give that dummy a gentle hit on the head and then move back.
(Auggie goes over nonchalantly taps dummy on the head. Walks back with his back to the dummy. The head explodes and Auggie is startled)
Auggie: wow, what was that all about?
Boomer: I’ve been working on micro charges for Chip’s LENS project. He had some very specific requirements that I thought I could leverage for Bertha. I simply modified the trigger mechanism to explode 2 seconds after release.
Auggie: this could come in handy.
Boomer: Yes, I thought you would like to put a bee in Bertha’s Bonnet. (smiling, proud that he made a joke, loud explosion in background, DUDE’s voice: “awesome!”)
Auggie: ugh, we need to work on your jokes. Maybe I’ll teach you about the birds and the bees too so you aren’t so uptight. Ha ha, get it.
Boomer: very well, I look forward to that. I must prepare for class.
(Boomer leaves)
Stiletto: Why did you talk to him that way?
Auggie: what do you mean?
Stiletto: he spent all night making you a gift and you did nothing but try to embarrass him in front of everybody.
Auggie: Sorry (defensive like) But, we’re buds. That’s how buds talk to each other.
Stiletto: BUDS!? You’ve been living in the forest for a year?! You don’t even know how to talk to people.
Auggie: well, I’ve been talking to myself for all that time. If I wasn’t pretty good company, I probably would’ve stopped listening long ago.
Stiletto: (laughs) That makes no sense!
Auggie: Hey, you laughed. Maybe you are starting to like me?
Stiletto: I don’t know about that, but…I’ll admit, I can’t stop thinking about that kill the other day.
(ELF and OWL come in with Matador),
ELF: Listen up everyone. As you know, Carl is off on another mission so he will be unable to teach today’s Solo Combat Self-Defense class.
Group: awww
ELF: Never fear, Matt, our very own Manager of Adolescent Troop Training, has graciously agreed to stand in as Carl’s substitute. Take it away Matt.
Matador: Today we will be focusing on the most useful skill you will learn, the forward thrust. When you are attacked by a zombie, it will charge you straight on sniffing out your brain. You will only have seconds to pull your weapon and counter with a firm jab to the head. DUDE, will you position the practice dummy.
(DUDE grabs dummy on rollers and charges at Matador with it.)
Matador:En garde!
(Matador draws his sword and stabs it in the head.)
Matador: Ole!
Auggie: (slow claps) Bravo, bravo. Nice move, but that is a great way to get yourself killed.
Matador: What do you know? These moves have served me well.
Auggie: Oh sure, maybe a year or two ago you could’ve survived taking a zombie on head-to-head like that, but they’ve changed over the last few months.
Matador: Changed, ha! Do we have to listen to this feral.
OWL: Matt, we should be open to all opinions. He does provide a unique perspective.
Auggie: All I’m saying is, the zombies are swarming more and more often. They seem to be hunting in packs and coordinating their attacks. You need to adjust your fighting style to take into account at least 2 or 3 of them are going to come at you at the same time, maybe more. Here, let me show you. (moves towards Matador and the dummy)
Matador: I will not stand for this mockery. Zombies coordinating their attacks! Ha! Listen to this feral and you will all die!
OWL: Matt, please, let’s give him a chance. You might learn something if you open your mind.
Matador: My grandfather will hear of this. (storms off)
OWL: Sorry NOOB, please proceed.
Auggie: OK, I’ll need some volunteers. (DUDE raises his hand and walks over. Thornsville Boy comes over too) Great, thanks guys. I need one more, how about you miss. (Grabs Stiletto before she can protest). OK, you two come at me at a 90 degree angle while the lady is going to sneak up behind me. OK, GO!
(Auggie ducks when Thornsville Boy lunges and then knocks him down, spins and knocks DUDE into Thornsville Boy and pretends to knock them both on the head. As Stiletto attacks, he grabs her arm and twirls her around, then grabs her by the waist and dips her like they are dancing. He then spins her again and pretends to knock her on the head.)
Auggie: and that is how you beat a swarm.
(all cheer)
ELF: Well done, well done. With Matt’s departure, I think we can all agree that you will make a fine substitute for Carl today. Please, please, teach the class.
Auggie: Really? Great. (drill sergeant voice)Ten-hunt! Alright you maggots, listen up! I want everybody to line up over here. Double time! You! Where you from boy?
Thornsville Boy: Thornsville, sir.
Auggie: Thornsville? There are only two things that come out of Thornsville.
ELF: NOOB! Proceed with this lesson.
Auggie: Right, sorry. I got carried away. OK, what you are about to hear will save your life one day so write this down, especially you Thornsville. The hard earned wisdom of survival that I gained over the last year can be broken down into 32 simple rules. The first rule: Cardio. Everybody, let’s start with some jumping jacks. (Auggie starts to do jumping jacks and a few other kids join in)
Slix: Really ELF?
ELF: I’ll allow it, but NOOB, we don’t have all day.
Auggie: Right. OK second rule of survival: double tap.
DUDE: I like the sound of that.
Auggie: Let me show you what I mean.
(Auggie proceeds to show the other kids some fighting moves. ELF and OWL move to the side and start to talk)
ELF: You are right OWL, he sure is a lot like his father.
OWL: That he is. Self-confident to the point of being cocky, but still funny and charming.
ELF: Does he know about the falling out Chip had with his father?
OWL: I don’t think so, but we can only hope Chip doesn’t hold any grudges and sees how useful this boy will be.
ELF: Chip is objective in most areas, but sometimes his judgement can be clouded.
OWL: Yes, I agree, he keeps me around, so I would count that as a lapse in judgement.
ELF: OWL! Don’t put yourself down, you are a very useful member of this community. I will not stand for that.(looks down at his wheelchair) Oh, sorry.
OWL: Oh my dear ELF, no offense is taken. I know my worth. I just fear what will happen if Chip’s grandson ever takes over.
ELF: We live in a democracy, so even if he does rise to be on the committee, he will only be one hot headed vote amongst many, more mature members.
OWL: We shall see.
(lights fade on all but OWL. Opera or harpsichord type music plays)
OWL: “Useless “
In my chair among Darwin’s fittest.
Sitting here, others take up my fight
While I can do nothing but bear witness
Without protection, I wouldn’t survive the night.
I know they brand me a cripple
As useful as a man’s nipple
But they are wrong,
My mind is strong
If I inspire but one child to find their greatness
Can they still write me off as useless?
If the author of life gave me a choice
I’d idle my days with Ms Dickenson
Or drink too much with Hemingway and Joyce
Scribbling down all their forgotten gems
But oh cruel fate revised my story
No skills but iambic pentameter
I’ll never win the girl or the glory
Ashamed, I cannot even speak to her
I know they brand me a cripple
As useful as a man’s nipple
But they are wrong,
My mind is strong
If I inspire but one child to find their greatness
Can they still write me off as useless
Will they say my life was a fail
As just a footnote in another’s tale.
(Class ends, everyone leaves, Stiletto and Paris collect their packs and start to leave)
Auggie: (twirling his bat) Hey ladies, if you want to hang back, I can show you some more of my moves (jabs at the air with the bat)
Paris: Cha, as if, I’m outta here, (leaves)
Stiletto: OK, I am curious, why do you use that bat, is it really the best weapon.
Auggie: This bat, it might not be the best weapon against the hordes I have fought, but it has sentimental value to me. You see, it belonged to my dad when he was a boy. After the Fall, he carried it around for years in hopes to one day teach me the game he loved, the game of a simpler time, a game from a world without creatures trying to eat you at every turn. The last time I ever saw him was when he was running back into a zombie infested warehouse to save this bat after I carelessly left it behind.
Stiletto: oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…
Auggie: ha ha, I got you! you should see your face. I made that up. Good one, huh. It’s just some bat I found years ago in a compound gym.
Stiletto: you are such a jerk. You know I lost my parents to those demons
Auggie: oh, I’m sorry
Stiletto: we’ve all lost a lot to those demons and you just treat it like a joke.
Auggie: Listen, I’m sorry. I’ve had to keep my guard up for a long time so I’m not good at being honest. My dad used to drag me and my sister around from compound to compound following his crazy whims. You don’t know how hard it is to be the “new kid” every few months.
Stiletto: you think I’ve had an easy life living inside these walls my whole life? Being the prim and perfect granddaughter of the Great Chip. I’ve had to live up to the high standard of the same people every day, day in and day out.
Auggie: yeah, he is an ass.
Stiletto: watch it, that’s my abuelo!
Auggie: Sorry. I seem to say that a lot to you.
Stiletto: Well, that is just good manners. If you are going to last here, you better shape up.
Auggie: Cause you need a man. And my heart is set on you. Ooh, ooh, ooh
Stiletto: What!?!, oh, that is actually pretty funny…Danny.
Auggie: Hey! You got my reference to Grease! No one ever gets my jokes. That is the problem with moving from compound to compound, each with different books and DVDs, I forget who has seen what. I wish there was one place to go to find every book and movie ever made; the world would be such a better place.
Stiletto: yes, that would save so much time and we all would get along a lot better.
A6uggie: How about this, I’ll teach you some of my moves…my fighting moves, and you teach me how to be a real friend.
Stiletto: OK, we have a deal, but you have to take me outside these walls sometimes and teach me how to kill a real muerto.
Auggie: that’s the only way. (shakes hands)
Stiletto: I’m so excited…I got chills
Auggie: Are they multiplying?
Stiletto: And I’m losing control
(they stop and stare at each other. Music starts. Upbeat pop style)
Auggie/Stiletto Duet: “One Day Our Way Will Rule”
Auggie:
When the poop hits the fan,
You have to do what you can
Cause life’ll laugh at your plan
So ya trust that I am your man.
Stiletto:
If you always go it alone
You’ll never make it back home
You need to trust in a friend
One whose there till the end
Auggie: Let me be your guide, let me help you survive, a world that can be so cruel
Stiletto: I can give you skills, if you just have the will, to follow my simple rule
Both: Open up your heart, then we can start, to build a brand new (our own) school.
Both: Trust me when I say, if you will stay, one day our way will rule
Auggie:
Living in this world by yourself
Food doesn’t fall off the shelf
When those stomach rumbles are felt
You just need to tighten your belt
Stiletto:
When you stumble in life
You can’t solve it with a knife
Let your family buffer your strife
Be it your mother, sister, or wife.
Auggie: Let me be your guide, let me help you survive, a world that can be so cruel
Stiletto: I can give you skills, if you just have the will, to follow my simple rule
Both: Open up your heart, then we can start, to build our own school.
Both: Trust me when I say, if you will stay, one day our way will rule.