Classroom scene, ELF and Auggie walking towards class.
ELF: OK NOOB, please go in that room and make yourself comfortable. OWL will be here shortly. I need to go set up for my class.
Auggie: I’m not really sure I belong here.
ELF: Go!
Auggie: yes ma’am.
(Auggie walks toward the door. Stiletto and Paris exit class as Auggie walks in, Stiletto and Auggie bump into each other.)
Stiletto: oh sorry…(recognizes Auggie)…oh, it’s you? What are you doing here?
Auggie: oh, hi again, I mean, umm, nice to meet you for the first time because I’ve just arrived today.
(Paris looks at them confused.)
Paris: Who’s the NOOB?
Stiletto: I have no idea, let’s go.
(Grabs Paris by arm and rushes out.
Auggie looks confused. Shrugs it off. Sees Boomer cleaning up his chemistry stuff)
Auggie: Hey dude, what’s up
Boomer: I’m not DUDE, but he should be here soon.
Auggie: What? No, that’s just a term dudes use
Boomer: Not here.
Auggie: OK, whatever, hey, do you know that girl’s name?
Boomer: Which one?
Auggie: The cute one who just left, dark hair, fierce smile.
Boomer: No, I don’t know her name.
Auggie: why not?
Boomer: OWL hasn’t announced her FLA.
Auggie: Huh, does that mean, she’s new here?
Boomer: No
Auggie: Then how do you not know her name? Are you new?
Boomer: No
Auggie: Is everyone in this place nuts?
(Boomer looks up and notices Auggie’s bat)
Boomer: Oh, your bat, is a Louisville slugger MLB Prime Maple c271 Nebula? (grabs it, looks closer) No, better, this is an M9 LEGACY MAPLE C243, they only made 568 of these during the ‘02 production run. (Auggie grabs it back)
Auggie: Hey, slow down Wikipedia Brown, this is Bertha and no one touches her but me. She’s been with me a long time. She’s been my only real friend for the past year. If you tell me more about that girl, maybe I’ll let you take a swing. By the way, what do you go by?
Boomer: I am Boom, Ballistic Ordnance Operations Manager, but most of the people here call me Boomer, which is against regulation 1.4.5. I try to remind them, but they don’t care.
Auggie: cool, nice to meet you Boomer, I’m Auggie
Boomer: Stop! I can only address you as NOOB. Section 1.4.7 paragraph 6. Is very clear: “any new foundling under the approximate age of 18 shall be referred to as NOOB until his or her character and Usefulness Type Index can be officially assessed following procedures set forth in section 3.5.8”
Auggie: Dude, what is your problem
Boomer: I told you, I am not DUDE
(pop style hip hop music starts)
Boomer: “Formula for Genius”
Boomer: They call me Boom
Cause you’ll meet your doom
Auggie: Hey dude, step on back. If that’s a threat yo, you best relax.
Boomer: I’m sorry
I wasn’t expecting anyone at the door
You’ve almost made me drop my chemicals on the floor
You might be another jerk
Who’s looking to steal my work?
Auggie: Hey dude, don’t you fear, I’m just asking, what goes on here
Well, I’m glad you asked
But how can I trust that you’re not a spy
How can I believe that what you’re saying is not a lie?
Auggie: Hey dude, I’m new in town. I just need someone, to show me around.
I have the skills to kill the living dead, to chop off their head, and stop them from biting.
Alright then.
If you really want to know
Then I guess that I can show
You what I’m working on…
(music kicks up)
Just a splash of nitrogen
And a dash of hydrogen
Add some sodium hydroxide
And some dihydrogen monoxide
Add some pressure, raise the heat
Take a look, oh, mind your feet
Put the mixture in the flask
Hey, don’t breathe it, wear this mask.
Burn it at the highest degree
And that’s my recipe
My Formula for Genius!
I then let it sit for an hour and a half
Then I make a note, chart the data, plot it on my graph
I increase my productivity
It’s greater than relativity
Auggie: Hey dude, I am impressed. You make magic, from all this mess.
I think your skills can kill a charging zombie, so I am ready, let’s prove your stuff.
Boom: Well it ain’t really that tough
But with this new contraction
I can finally take action
And when it’s finally done
I can save everyone
Auggie: Hey dude, is it a gun? And have you shown it to anyone?
I
Boom: No, no one else accept OWL and my two other classmates
Everyone they’re just going to steal it, anyway
Besides, who else can I show it to?
Everyone I loved is gone
I know what they did was wrong
Even those I work with aren’t that fond of me.
I’m as smart as Issac Newton
While I’m allergic to some gluten
But no woman has stopped by to hang with me
Oh, in order to get the product
You need at least two reactants
So where’s mine?
Where’s my bond?
Can anyone respond?
Auggie: Hey dude, your life’s a puzzle, let me help solve, your girl trouble
I have the skills to kill the living dead, to get a girl in your bed, will take some planning
Boomer: Yeah right
Who would want poor old Boomer
A fellow without a sense of humor
A freak and a nerd said out through a rumor
A guy when he talks may give you a tumor
You laugh at my stutter, but I shutter
When my minds a clutter, my heart goes flutter
But I utter the truth, others choose to excuse,
Like a mother, loving your brother in the gutter over yous
So,
Why would anyone make poor Boomer his friend?
I’ll be all alone studying until the end
So my formula for genius is still incomplete
As long as I inhabit this lonely retreat
Boomer: Good-bye, it was nice meeting you NOOB. I must vacate for OWL’s class.
(Boomer leaves, kids start to show up, all rowdy. Man in wheelchair enters room, all settle down)
OWL: Greetings and salutations class. Today we will continue our student led presentations. I believe Matt is up today. Oh, sorry, I see we have a NOOB joining us today. From whence did you come?
Auggie: Here and there, mostly there.
OWL: I see. Have you had much schooling from here or there?
Auggie: Yeah, I’ve read a book or two in my day.
DUDE: I don’t know about his book smarts, but this kids got some moves. You gotta see him fly OWL.
OWL: Well that is all fine and good, but today we are here to discuss Literature and I believe Matt is up with his reading from the classic “Of Mice and Men”. Matt, you have the floor.
Matador: I insist you call me Matador and I think this is a waste of my time. What could be the possible use of reading the words of some long dead novelist, especially one who doesn’t write about anything useful.
OWL: Well Matt, I respect your choice to call yourself “Matador”, but you should not expect me to follow suit. I dutifully follow the bylaws of Hullsum, laws put in place for the most part by your father and grandfather. As for the words of steinbeck, no, you may not learn how to harvest crops or raise rabbits for food within the pages of this work of fiction, but I will argue reading Literature has many other uses.
Matador: bah, you and your words, words, words. That is all you have to offer.
Stiletto: Matt! Take that back! OWL offers us a view of the world none of us can imagine without his books and guidance. Literature expands our minds and gives us different perspectives.
Matador: Hah! Just proves my point. You’d have me wasting my time worrying over “different perspectives” like an old woman while real work needs to be done. See how well you can stop a charging zombie with your pretty stories.
OWL: Be that as it may, this class is a requirement for your graduation to be a TLA and further advancement within Hullsum management. If you plan on moving past your FLA status, you best pass this class.
Matt: Oh, I will become a TLA and I will rule Hullsum one day. When that day comes, I will make sure only what is truly useful remains.
OWL: Well, we are all looking forward to that day, but until then, your presentation please.
(Matt stands and walks to the front of class holding a piece of paper. He starts to read it in a monotone voice.)
Matt: John steinbeck’s novella “Of Mice and Men” was published in 1937 and tells the story of two displaced migrant ranch workers, who move from place to place in California in search of new job opportunities during the Great Depression in the United States of America. I have chosen a passage that is representative of steinbeck’s view that to be quote “a somebody”, a man needs to abandon the loneliness of an itinerant lifestyle and turn towards family and productive work. (looks up from paper and back down again) “Lennie begged6, “Le’s do it now. Le’s get that place now.” “Sure, right now. I gotta. We gotta.” And George raised the gun and steadied it, and he brought the muzzle of it close to the back of Lennie’s head. The hand shook violently, but his face set and his hand steadied. He pulled the trigger.”
OWL: Um, OK, that was an interesting selection. I’m curious why you chose that passage out of all of the other interactions between George and Lenny.
DUDE: Come on OWL, you gotta pop your buddy if he gets bit. It’s the Bro Code.
SLIX: The Bro Code? Can you get any more sexist?
DUDE: Oh don’t worry SLIX, I’d pop you too, any time, if you know what I mean.
OWL: I think you missed the point, poor Lenny was not bit. But, it is true that George did shoot his friend in cold blood.
DUDE: Oh, that’s harsh.
Matador: George shot him to secure his own fate, to shed the useless Lenny who was continually holding him back. Once free, George could rise above his current lowly status. I know this for a fact.
Stiletto: That is such a cynical interpretation. It does not take into account the bond and dream those two men shared.
Auggie: I agree with the lady. By the way, I didn’t catch your name miss.
Stiletto: I didn’t throw it.
Auggie: Ouch. The way I read it, George’s sacrifice of Lenny symbolizes…
(Chip enters the room wearing formal clothes)
Chip: Knock, knock. I hope I’m not interrupting.
Auggie: Well, you kind of are, I was just about to set Zorro here straight about steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”
Chip: “Of Mice and Men”, how wonderful. Matt, did you do your presentation for class on this novel?
Matt: Si, abuelo
Chip: did you mention how it is representative of Steinbeck’s view that, to quote, “a somebody”, a man needs to abandon the loneliness of an itinerant lifestyle and turn towards family and productive work.
Auggie: yeah, pretty much word for word.
Chip: Wonderful. OWL, I know this is your class, but would you indulge me and allow me to relate how this story is based on my own grandfather’s experiences.
OWL: (exacerbated that he lost control of class) The podium is yours
Chip: Long ago, my grandfather headed north with a neighbor of his who was a simpleton. They would work other men’s fields for pennies a day in back breaking labor. While other laborers would drink their earnings away, my grandfather would save so he could own a ranch of his own. Unfortunately, the simpleton kept getting into trouble and my grandfather, always the honorable man, would bail him out. It wasn’t until he parted ways with the simpleton did my grandfather finally save enough to buy his first ranch and become a prosperous man. He told Steinbeck his story one evening while the struggling author was working as a day laborer on my grandfather’s ranch not far from here. That year, Steinbeck immortalized my grandfather’s tale, although slightly embellished, but still a shining moral of the value of hard work and industry.
Auggie: I’m no Steinbeck scholar, but I did know one down in the south plains and he might argue a different interpretation of Steinbeck’s overall philosophy.
Chip: And who might you be?
Auggie: I’m Auggie, I just got here.
Chip: Oh yes, the NOOB I’ve been warned about from Carl. Very interesting. Well NOOB, I am the Chief Hullsum Patron, but you may call me Chip. Although I would love to debate Steinbeck with you, I must attend to business with my grandson. Matt, we need to work on logistics for the LENS project, please come along.
OWL: Sure thing, Matt can finish his dissertation another time.
Chip: (turns to Stiletto) Mija, I will see you later tonight at dinner.
Stiletto: si, abuelo.
(Matt and Chip leave)
OWL: Right, so where were we…
ELF: Knock, knock, excuse me Professor OWL,
OWL: (flabbergasted) Argh! WHAT NOW! (awkward, apologetic) Oh, Ms. ELF, good evening, ah morning, ah ah afternoon?
ELF: Sorry to interrupt, just checking to see if the NOOB made it safely under your wings.
OWL: No, no, the pleasure is all mine, I mean, I am the one who should be apologizing for unleashing my Grapes of Wrath on you. The Pearl you delivered has seen it safely through the Winter of our Discontent and is now in his seat down in the Cannery Row next to Dude, just East of Eden.
Auggie: (to Dude) What is going on?
DUDE: (to Auggie) He always gets flustered when ELF shows up.
ELF: Excellent news, I hope he likes Flat Tortillas for lunch
OWL: Huh? Isn’t it breakfast for lunch day?
ELF: Oh OWL, I thought we were doing a Steinbeck thing.
OWL: Oh! Tortilla Flats, ha ha ha ha, good one Ms. ELF, your wit is as bodacious and luscious as your, um…
Auggie: Yo, keep it PG you two, there are kids present.
ELF: I must be off (leaves, OWL stares longingly off at her)
ELF: “Before the Fall”
Listen about a time when Merica was great again.
When more than birds would twitter the news to you my friend.
The truth of covfefe helped our country to bigly mend
But the dead rose from the earth and put our progress to an end.
Before the Fall,
We were all God’s children
Before the Fall,
Only the coasts were forsaken
Before the Fall,
I never ate man bacon
Before the Fall,
Only the weak were taken
Before the Fall,
Oh we had it all.
They say a Berkley hippy had some chemicals in a flask
He poured one into another, which spewed a toxic gas.
Or was it a jungle monkey that bit a hiker on the ass?
More likely a Chinese bat spread this disease real fast.
Before the Fall,
We were all God’s children
Before the Fall,
Only the coasts were forsaken
Before the Fall,
I never ate man bacon
Before the Fall,
Only the weak were taken
Before the Fall,
We had it all.
Regardless how it started, POTUS entered the fray.
With selfless acts he stopped hordes of those bad hombres
His gerrymandered solution helped keep the infected at bay
By social distancing the infected six whole counties away.
After the Fall,
God forgot his children
After the Fall,
We were all forsaken
After the Fall,
I kind of like man bacon
After the Fall,
Even the whites were taken
After the Fall,
I lost it all
Our walls were darkened soon with a zombie hue
But our blood stayed red, our skin white too
The only color to run was the liberal blue.
20 years gone, I’m still sheltering with you
Before the Fall,
We were all God’s children
Before the Fall,
Only the coasts were forsaken
Before the Fall,
I never ate human bacon
Before the Fall,
Only the weak were taken
Before the Fall,
I had it all…all in the palm of my hand, which held my shiny Huawei iPhone Silver Anniversary Deluxe.
But with a pallor and stench of stinky boys dorm room.
Blood ran red, our skin was white, and we were never blue
Stinky dorm, not the norm
Climbed our walls
OWL: OK class, maybe we can cut today’s lesson short unless there are any questions?
Auggie: Yo, Professor X, I got one.
OWL: go on.
Auggie: I know I’m new here, but I’ve lived in a lot of compounds in my day and none of them talk as funny as you all. I mean what is up with this TLA, FLA business for starters.
OWL: Why yes, some of our terms are a hold over from Chips previous life before the Fall. He was in a field that loved acronyms and Chip sees it as an efficient and precise means of communication. A TLA for instance, stands for Three Letter Acronym, but it is the nomenclature reserved for adult members of Hullsum who have successfully proven their worth to the community by attaining a UTI in excess of 144.
Auggie: UTI?
OWL: Sorry, Usefulness Type Index. The UTI is an objective measurement of how much you give to the community. It replaced the flawed EBS – Effectiveness Benefit Score.
DUDE: Yeah, I’ve already scored over 144 on my UTI, but I’m still an FLA, Four Letter Acronym, because I haven’t hit 18 yet, but soon.
Auggie: So DUDE is just an acronym?
DUDE: Yep, OWL gave it to me during my naming ceremony two years ago, I’m the Digital Utility Design Engineer.
Auggie: huh?
DUDE: I write computer programs.
Auggie: Oh, so when you graduate to a TLA, are you going to be a DUD? Ha ha
DUDE: Yeah, real funny
Auggie: So what does OWL stand for?
DUDE: It’s a mystery, he won’t tell us, but we all have our theories. I think it stands for “Oh What Loquaciousness.”
OWL: Even though I know you are being sarcastic, I’ll take the compliment.
Stiletto: I think it stands for “Old Wise Lecturer” and I’m not being sarcastic.
OWL: Why thank you dear, always the supportive student
Paris: Oh Stiletto, you’re such a brown noser.
Boy 1: how about: “Overly White Lucifer”
OWL: Your comment pales in comparison to DUDE’s and is demonically inaccurate
SLIX: Ossified Wasted Limper
OWL: Oh SLIX, cruel as usual, but semi-accurate
Boy 2: Offal Wipe Lunch
OWL: Gross, but self-defecating humor has a long history in the comedic arts.
Paris: Hold on, hold on. I have it – Honorable One, Like
Stiletto: Good one Paris. Let’s work on our spelling lessons later tonight though.
OWL: OK class, we’ve had our fun, but it is time to go on to your next class. NOOB, do you mind hanging back so I can begin processing your application.
(everyone leaves, SLIX goes in back to work on her car, Auggie walks over to OWL’s desk)
OWL: NOOB…sorry, I can call you Auggie since no one else is around. Just give me a moment to start this form.
Auggie: Sure prof
(OWL starts to write in a notebook, see Auggie staring at his legs)
OWL: you’re probably wondering how someone in a wheelchair survived the initial outbreak and is still alive today.
Auggie: Actually, I’m more curious how it happened, were you born in the chair.
OWL: No, this happened during the early days. I was…
Auggie: Oh, let me guess, you were bit and your best friend had to perform a double amputee with a rusty chainsaw to stop the infection from spreading.
OWL: what!?! No, I can assure you I have both my legs still attached, I just cannot move them.
Auggie: Sure, sure, oh, I know, you were in the Special Forces being helicoptered into the thick of the first swarm when the chopper crashed. You were pinned under the wreckage, paralyzing your legs. Since everybody else died, you had to drag yourself to safety while fighting off an onslaught of zombies.
OWL: hmm, I like that story, but sadly, not true
Auggie: OK, then the only logical answer is you were chained in the dungeon of a cannibal clan, hanging from the wall as they slowly ate chunks of your calves and thighs before your best friend broke you out.
OWL: you have a sick mind. No, my story is much more tragic and sadly preventable. Just before the outbreak, my car was hit by a drunk driver. I woke up in the hospital 28 days later without the ability to move my legs.
Auggie: oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
OWL: Yes, we all have our handicaps and our strengths. I see potential in you so I hope you play to your strengths. I have some business to attend, but come to my office later so we can finish the intake process. Good day.
(OWL Leaves, Auggie walks over to SLIX in back working on car)
Auggie: Yo Mad Maxine, what’s ya working on over there?
SLIX: You sure talk a lot for a NOOB.
Auggie: I guess living alone for a year will do that to you. You wouldn’t understand the stress that wears you down…
SLIX: Waa, waa. Cry me a river. How long you going to play the lost orphan card?
Auggie: I’m not an orphan! Let’s just not talk about that. Just tell me about this pile of nuts and bolts?
SLIX: This here is my baby, I call her The Beast. I’ve been building her up from scavenged parts for two years now.
Auggie: Nice
SLIX: At her heart, she’s a ‘24 Dodge Hellspawn with a Demon Hemi V8 and nitrous turbo. It was a wreck when I found her, but a couple of us towed the carcass back and I’ve been working on her since. Whenever Carl is out on one of his runs, he brings me back the parts I need.
Auggie: Looks like she’ll be a sweet ride. What do you plan on doing with her when you get her done?
SLIX: getting as far away from here as possible.
Auggie: Really? I guess you aren’t one of these scaredy cat compound kids who needs walls to feel safe.
SLIX: I wasn’t born here like your Princess CC.
Auggie: She’s not my princess and I thought she went by Stiletto.
SLIX: Yeah, well, Familia Level 5’s can go about changing their names if they want to, but a lowly Level 3 like me is stuck with what I was given.
Auggie: I like SLIX, what does it stand for anyway.
SLIX: none of your business. (soften a little) I mean, yeah, it is a pretty cool name, and I know Carl had his hand in my naming, but I really wish I knew the name my parents gave me. I wish I knew anything about my past.
Auggie: you didn’t know your parents?
SLIX: No, Carl found me on one of his runs while he was going through a decimated compound east of the mountains. A hoard had just come through and got everyone. My parents hid me in a bathroom at some food place while they tried to fight off the hoard. They obviously didn’t make it and fortunately for yours truly, Carl came through at some point and heard me screaming.
Auggie: that’s rough
SLIX: He figured I was about three years old at the time. I really don’t remember any of it. He called me Wendy.
Auggie: Wendy? You don’t look like a Wendy (laughs)
SLIX: yeah, I didn’t think so either after a while, especially when I learned Carl picked the name after the place he found me. I think he felt bad and that is why he put some pressure on OWL to give me a better FLA.
(Boomer enters and walks between Slix and Auggie and hands Slix a canister.)
Boomer: here is the nitrous oxide you asked for
Auggie: woh, bud, you ever hear of personal space. Can’t you see I was talking to the lady.
Slix: (angry tone towards Auggie) leave him alone. (very kindly to Boomer) Thank you Boomer. This is very kind of you. How can I repay you?
Boomer: payment is not necessary. It is a simple matter of heating ammonium nitrate to about 250 celsius and capturing the byproduct.
Auggie: wait, isn’t that rocket fuel? Is that dangerous
Boomer: No, not at all, it is completely harmless at room temperature, it requires an oxidiser to set it off.
Slix: (trying to be flirty) kind of like me.
Boomer: huh?
Slix: do you have any oxidiser to help set me off,(stops being flirty) I mean to help me set off the Beast
Boomer: I can help design the injection system if you want.
Slix: oh, I would love to see your injection system design
Auggie: get a room you two.
Slix: (embarrassed) shut up, what are you still doing here.
Auggie: oh don’t mind me
Boomer: he can actually be useful. I heard some scouts talking about an old industrial park nearby that might have a compressor I can use to distill the high octane fuel you want for The Beast.
Slix: that would be awesome.
Auggie: great, let’s all go now and make a day of it.
Boomer: oh no, I don’t leave Hullum.
Auggie: why not, it’ll be fun. Come on Slix, tell Boomer he has to come with us.
Slix: drop it, Boomer is too valuable to be outside. Chip will never allow it. You and I can go, shouldn’t be tough if we grab a quad. Thanks Boomer, you are always looking out for me. I’ll go tell CAB I’m taking one of his quads for the day. (Slix leaves)
Auggie: OK, I guess that settles it. So, where is this place?
Boomer: It’s not that far, only about 30 bricks north of Thornsville.
Auggie: you mean 30 clicks
Boomer: no, 30 bricks. Here, let me show you the map.
(Boomer and Auggie walk over to the back of the room. Boomer pulls cover off a topographical map of the area made of Legos.)
Boomer: see, this is Hullsum and about 20 bricks north of us is the Thornsville compound and then another 30 bricks further north is where you can find the compressor.
Auggie: (admiring the Lego map) Wow, I can’t believe you made this whole map out of Legos. Is this to scale? It must have taken months.
Boomer: I do a little bit whenever I get the chance. Carl started bringing me bags of Legos when I was little and I just kept up.
Auggie: heh, is this mini figure with the bat me?
Boomer: yes, I just added you in. I kind of hope you’ll be staying.
(Slix comes back on stage, goes by car, packing things in a bag)
Auggie: wait, is this you with the beaker and lab coat? And who is this with the wrench? It looks like you two are holding hands.
Boomer: (embarrassed, grabs mini figures from him) I don’t know what you mean. Isn’t it time you rode off with Slix, I have my chemistry lesson to prepare.
Auggie: hmm, speaking of which, you and Slix seem to have quite a bit of chemistry together.
Boomer: nonsense, she passed my chemistry class two years ago.
Auggie: brother, I need to help you out.
(lights on Auggie and Boomer fade. Light gets brighter on SLIX)
“I Wish My Love Was Like the Open Road”
SLIX
He starts the engine of my heart
If only he knew how to do his part
To shift my feelings out of reverse
And drive away the loneliness that hurts
Two headlamps light the road better than one
Cutting through darkness when we’re on the run
I’ve throttled my desires for way too long
Waiting for love to cruise along
I wish my love was like the open road.
Chasing blue skies as adventures unfold.
Hundred miles behind and thousands ahead
Driving together til my lover’s dead.
When will love come rescue me
Like it does in my fantasy.
OWL
I wish my love were like an open book.
Chronolicing passions and the risks I took.
The covers holding pages in a warm embrace
Bookmarking my lover firmly in place.
When will love send an epiphany
Like it does in my fantasy.
ELF
I wish my love was like an open flower.
Reaching for the sun every waking hour.
I’d invite a certain bee to my pollen room
So we’d work together making my petals bloom.
When will love shine down on me
Like it does in my fantasy.
Boomer
I wish my love was like an isotope
Clinging elements swirl ‘neath my microscope.
Two atoms complete sharing a single electron
A perfect crystal formed through an ionic bond.
When will love come activate me
Like it does in my fantasy.
(light shines on Zombie Girl, Boomer runs away immediately, OWL and ELF leave as she sings)
Zombie Girl
I wish my love was like an open wound.
Filled with pus, never closing too soon.
It’d attract my lover and I’ll never be alone.
Feasting upon the ooze pouring off the bone.
When will love resurrect me
Like it does in my fantasy.
Zombie Boy
I wish my love was like an open skull
Brains spilling out…(SLIX kills him)
Slix: yeah, we’re done here.