Curtain open, lights come up. Bodies still piled around. Loud moaning coming from where Auggie lays with the woman on top of him. Slowly, Carl walks on stage with gun drawn, wearing rough travel clothes, a cowboy hat, and an eye patch. Auggie begins to stir and pushes the woman off him. His face is covered in gore, sees Carl and lunges at him.
Auggie: (groaning like a zombie) arrr!
Carl pushes Auggie down, reaches in the bag and throws a towel at him.
Carl: wipe that crap off your face, I know you didn’t turn
Auggie: Ok, ok, lighten up tough guy. That act usually works. You’re not as stupid as you look, kemosabe.
Carl: watch it smart mouth, you can call me Carl, I’m the guy who just saved your scrawny ass. What happened there anyway, why’d you freeze up? That last one almost got you.
Auggie: I didn’t freeze up! I just, well, I thought I recognized her. I thought it was…it doesn’t matter.
Carl: You shouldn’t be out here alone, these woods are dangerous.
Auggie: Phsst! I’m not in danger, I am the danger.
Carl: Sure, kid. What’s your name and more importantly, where are your people?
Auggie: You can call me Auggie and I’m on my own right now. I got separated from my dad and sister about a year ago, but I’m tracking them down.
Carl: You’ve been in this forest on your own for a year?
Auggie: Yeah, I’ve been here and there, steering clear of the compounds mostly. I take care of myself. Do you see the carnage all around, that was all me. I don’t need anybody. I would’ve ended that last one with Bertha here if you hadn’t come in all Clint Eastwood, guns blazing.
Carl: ingrate, you might have some skills, but you need to learn some gratitude.
Music starts, rap/hip hop style. Carl sings:
You’ve got guts, kid
I saw what you did, working that bat
It was quite a showdown
But slow down, we’re not leaving with that
I see you’re no fool
You got the tool for survival
But I’m off trekking
Others are expecting, my imminent arrival
(Auggie attempts to talk, but Carl interrupts)
Before you talk, before you speak, just hear me out
It’s far too dangerous for you to wander about
You’ve got the face of a kid who I know can be trusted
Your judgement might be iffy, but that can be adjusted
Now in order to defend
You must attend at my school
Where believing
In proceeding is our number one rule
We’ve got a chemist
On the premise, who’s a bit quite shy
And a fighter
With a lighter, and a hell of a spy
As for me, myself, well, my name doesn’t matter
I work my ass off, so my life’s unable to shatter
They call me Carl, there’s no A, if you don’t know its code
I’m the Chief Retention Liaison, in undercover hardcore mode
Auggie: I don’t see how…
God damnit
Just clam it and pay attention to me
My advice
Is the device, seriously why can’t you see
Am I boring?
Are you snoring, sleeping on the inside?
Well, if you’re dead
And I’m ahead then at least I tried
Auggie: No it’s just..
Just what?
You think I’m lying, are you working towards your death
You think that this is the moment where you’ll draw your last breath
Well I’m sorry but your assumptions are actually incorrect
It’s cause that you’re the guy that I actually need to protect
Auggie stares at Carl’s eye patch. Carl stops singing.
Carl: What? Is there something about my eyepatch that interests you?
Auggie: Yes, I’m dying to know how you got it, wait, wait, let me guess: your best friend turned and tried to suck your brains out of your eye socket before you got up the nerve to put him down?
Carl: what?!? No, I…
Auggie: Oh, I got it, knife fight with a psychotic biker gang
Carl: kid, you…
Auggie: I know, I know: an insane compound despot plucked it out for a trophy before your clan could break you out. Wait, not a trophy, he strung it on a necklace for his zombie wife who he keeps locked up in an attic because he can’t bring himself to put her down.
Carl: KID! SHUT UP AND LISTEN!
Music starts up again.
You think that cause the way I look and the way I roll
That danger and adventure was the thing that stole
My sight, you think it’s because of a time I almost died?
Well I’m sorry, asshole, IT’S JUST PINK EYE
(pulls up patch, Auggie flinches away)
WELL, I’M SORRY THAT MY EYEPATCH DOESN’T FIT IN YOUR STORY
WELL, I’M SORRY BUT REAL LIFE IS NOT ALL THAT GORY
I’M NOT A HERO, JUST A GUY, THAT’S GOES ALL THE WAY
SPENDING EVERY SECOND OF HIS DAMN LIFE TRYING TO SEE THE NEXT DAY
I’M SO SORRY THAT I SEEM SO THIN AND PALE
ALL MY FOOD’S GONE, I’M ONLY LEFT WITH SOME BEANS AND KALE
SO GO AHEAD, WANDER AIMLESS, DON’T PUSH YOUR LUCK
IF YOU BECOME ONE OF THEM THEN I DON’T GIVE A-
Oh, I snapped
Just adapt and let me lower my voice
Now where were we?
Oh, I see when you were given the choice
The drive
To survive is just a two-day trip
The chance
To advance will be foolish to skip
Just follow me
And soon you’ll see
Take this key
(throws star-shaped pendant to Auggie)
Get there by three
To get the tools
To learn the rules
From your new peers
You’ll gain more years
The Zombie Defense School is the key
Just tell them you saw me
Peace
Auggie: so, you’re saying you’re a school teacher? (laughs) You do kind of remind me of my 3rd grade teacher Ms. Hanness. She was disemboweled by a former student who had turned while she was teaching math facts. Pass.
Carl: Trust me kid, you need people, people who will have your back. I was on my own for a long time after I lost my family and crew. I wandered aimlessly for too long and almost put a bullet in my head until Chip found me. He’s the Patron of Hullsum, the compound where you’ll find my school. Give me that pendant back and go get your things.
Auggie: Fine. I don’t have much else going on and it might be nice to spend a winter in doors for once.
(Auggie goes to the log and stuff some things into a backpack. Carl turns and speaks into the pendant while it lights up.)
Carl: Here’s what you do, head south until you hit Hangtown, then head west on the Century path…
Auggie: Hangtown ain’t there no more.
Carl: What? I was just there last month.
Auggie: And I was just there last week. A hoard must have come through. Place was wiped out, I don’t think anyone survived.
Carl: OK, I can’t worry about that now, but tell Chip what you told me once you get to Hullsum. Here. (Carl hands Auggie pendant.) Give this to the first person you see when you get to the compound. They’ll know what to do with it.
(Auggie stares closer at it, it is a red star with two teeth that look like eyes and the bone of a finger shaped like a smile)
Auggie: pretty creepy looking thing.
Carl: Chip made it for me, long story.
I’m heading over the mountains to Black Rock City, but I will return before the snow falls.(Carl starts to leave but turns back) So, this father you are looking for, does he happen to be a doctor, goes by Jack Duchard?
Auggie: YES! Why, do you know him? Where is he?
Carl: Yes, I know him. We used roll together, he’s been holed up working on a cure. You won’t find him without me so go to Hullsum, attend all the classes they give you and don’t leave the compound until I get back.
Auggie: I will, I will, if it means seeing my family again, I can wait.
Carl: And Auggie, promise me you’ll stay out of trouble.
(Carl leaves in one direction and Auggie starts off in the direction Carl told him, stops, goes in the opposite direction to follow Carl, but changes his mind and heads off towards Hullsum. Auggie starts to sing)
Reprise from New Normal
Grab a pen, write your friend, crack open a book
Raise your hand? just pretend or find a hidden nook
Too much salt, not my fault, I’ll just learn to cook. Go back to school? Am I a fool? I guess I’ll take a look.