Next morning. Rosen and Stern push Stiletto and Auggie on stage. They are still covered with a bag and squirming around making muffled noises. Warren, dressed in black jeans, black shirt, black jacket and cowboy hat stands to the side writing on clipboard.
Rosen: Hey Warren, me and Stern found these two in the woods.
Stern: Yeah, we thought they’d be a nice addition to the Doc’s experiments.
Warren: Excellent, he’s been locked up in his lab all week so I’d imagine he needs some fresh blood. Let’s see what you got.
(takes bags off of Auggie’s head. Auggie lunges, pretends to be a zombie)
Auggie: arrrr!
Warren: Huh? We have a live one here.
Rosen: Sure do
Stern: This one is certainly feisty!
Warren: No, you idiots, this here boy is alive, he’s no zombie.
(Pulls bag off of Stiletto’s head.)
Stiletto: Auggie, are you all right, what have you done to him
Auggie: Don’t worry Stiletto, I’m fine.
Warren: Rosen! Stern! What’s going on here?
Rosen: Umm, I guess I see our mistake; sorry Warren it was dark.
Stern: Yeah, and they were shambling around aimlessly outside of Hullsum
Warren: you two are useless, these aren’t zombies, they’re teenagers! Can’t you tell the difference.
Rosen: no
Stern: not really
Warren: (turns to Stiletto) And you, what’s with the dress come here….
Auggie: hold on Warden! I’ve dealt with plenty of two-bit dictators like you in my time. You might be the king of this here prison, acting all tough, “look at me, I’m “The Warden”, I refer to myself in the third person.” but you listen to me…
Warren: slow down boy, don’t get all dramatic, who said to call me “The Warden”? My name is Warren, Warren Markowski and this isn’t a prison, at least not any more in the traditional sense.
Auggie: oh yeah, then what do you hide behind these walls, you run one of those sick compounds that traffic in human cattle? You plan on fattening us up for your cannibalistic feasts? You’ll find my meat too tough for you, you’ll choke..
Warren: Eww, what are you talking about? We don’t eat human flesh. We’re all vegans here. Didn’t you see the gardens and tofu press on your way in. Rosen is very proud of his hydroponic system, Rosen, you have to give these two the tour. (Sees Stiletto’s bracelet) Wait a second, let me see your wrist girl. Come here child. (Takes out scanner. Light glows green,)
Electronic Voice: Familia Level 5.
Warren: Oh, this is trouble, you aren’t a bunch of ferals. Who are you and what were you doing outside the walls?
Stiletto: I am Stiletto, the Slayer of the Undead, Orphan of the Southern Plains, the last Dancer of the Deathly…(scanner beeps)
Warren: It says here you are Courtney Cox Rodriguez, oh crap, you’re Chip’s granddaughter. (Yells into walkie) Fred! Bring me four of your trusted riders and bring Ms Rodriguez back to Hullum. (Listens.) Yeah, the boys done screwed up. And Fred, if so much of her tiara goes askew on the journey back, your entrails will decorate my door. (Turns to Stiletto) I’m terribly sorry Ms Rodriquez, obviously there has been some mistake. My men will escort you safely home to Chip and make sure you tell him CASH sends him kind regards.
Auggie: CASH?
Warren: Yeah, I used to be an FLA in Hullsum back in the day. Chip said he was grooming me for a TLA position, but I left. I couldn’t stand being a Coordinating Assistant Supervisor of Hullsum any longer, it just felt too corporate. Plus, what was next? My boss, the Coordinating Supervisor of Hullsum wasn’t retiring any time soon, and being his assistant was no easy job. He never took any of my ideas seriously, just stuck in his ways. I mean where was my career development path? What was I…
Rosen: Boss!
Warren: sorry, where was I? Oh yeah. And you boy, who do you belong to, lets see your wrist. No bracelet eh, are you one of Chip’s postulates? Sneaking off with the boss’ granddaughter, naughty, naughty. Doesn’t matter, Chip has his rules and so does Repressa. We have a place for you…
Auggie: I know my rights! I will never be your slave. I’ll challenge anyone to battle, Thunderdome rules.
Rosen: What? You’re taking it Medieval that fast?
Stern: Kid’s got some cojones
Warren: Well, it’s been a while since we’ve done that, but I think we can accommodate you kid. We don’t have a dome, but we do have our Ring of Fire and plenty of Eaters for you to show us what you are made of. Tonight we will have a fight!
Rosen: What! But I thought tonight we were going to get our screen time.
Stern: Yeah, I heard Fred’s crew went through the wreckage over at Hangtown and found Season 5 of Friends on DVD, in mint condition.
Rosen: Ohh, that’s the season when Ross and Rachel get married!
Warren: Enough, if I say we are having a fight tonight, we’re having a fight.
Rosen: (aside to Warren) hey boss, are we really going to let this kid fight a bunch of zombies?
Warren: (aside to Rosen) Nah, I’m just giving this kid a hard time. We’ll let him flail around at some eaters for a bit and cut him loose. I’ll offer him a job in our essential oils department after the show so he forgets about that girl.
Warren: (out loud again) Go prep the Ring and tell Doc we are going to take a few of his “patients” for tonight’s entertainment.
Stern: Doc isn’t going to like that, every time I go in there he keeps mumbling about a major breakthrough.
Warren: I don’t care! I think I still run this madhouse. Don’t forget to outfit our little friend here. We’ll have a show tonight! (people start to leave) Jeez, you’d think being a dictator would be easy at the end of the world.
(Everyone leaves but CASH, curtain closes, CASH out front with a guitar)
Country style music.
I found my purpose in the apocalypse
Before the dead rose from the dirt
I’d spend my days bored at work
Punching the clock from 9 to 5
Was barely enough to keep me alive
When the shit finally hit the fan
The first to die was my ex LuAnn
Soon, I lost my dog, my house, and my truck
Just another loser who was shit out of luck
Should I swallow the barrel of my .22
Wallowing in pity, I hadn’t a clue
When my first kill exploded in gore
I wanted to kill, and kill some more
At first confused, then I realized what for
Now I prefer this life to office politics
I found my purpose in the apocalypse
Oh, they say it’s better to rule in Hell
Now, I never related to the righteous that well.
Ever since anointed with the killing stick,
I found my purpose in the apocalypse
Oh, I found my purpose in the apocalypse
I didn’t know I could hit so hard
Shoot an eye out from 100 yards
Scope em from the roof of my car
Used to struggle with my monthly bills
Now I pay down debt racking up them kills
Zombie, human, doesn’t matter which
I found new skills in the Apocalypse.
Oh, for years, I failed at online dating
On Match and Tinder, scored a zero rating
I was never good with relationships
It’s a better life in the apocalypse
So where were you when the world got sick?
I know I found myself in the apocalypse
(Curtain opens with Ring of fire set. Auggie in center. Group of zombies on chains with bells. Auggie blindfolded. Rosen comes in and gives Auggie his bat and starts to spin him around as the crowd chants.)
Crowd: (chanting) Turn, Turn, Turn, in the burning Ring of Fire. He’s going to Burn, Burn, Burn, in the Ring of Fire, the Ring of Fire. (Auggie stands ready.) Dramatic music. Warren enters with rollerskates, holding a staff. Holds up his hands for silence.
Warren: Listen on! Listen on! This is the truth of it. Fighting leads to killing, and killing gets to warring, and that was damn near the death of us all.
Rosen: I thought it was the zombie plague that nearly killed us.
Stern: Shhh!
Warren: Look at us now, busted up and everyone talking about hard rain! But we’ve learned! By the dust of ’em all, Repressa’s learned. Now, when men get to fighting, it happens here, and it finishes here! Two men enter, one man leaves. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, dying time’s here!
(Auggie holds up his bat and starts to swing as the lab door opens and fog rolls out. Doc enters from door wearing Terminator mask connected to a scuba tank on his back, holding a beaker)
Rosen: What’s Doc doing here?
Stern: He said he’d be back.
Rosen: Ahh, this is going to ruin our fun. Hasta la vista, Thunderdone.
Doc: (takes off mask) I’ve done it, I’ve found the cure!
Warren: You what?
(Doc throws beaker contents on the one armed chained eater, he falls on the floor thrashing and stands up transformed back to human, stands up)
Colton: Mama!
(All rejoice.)
Colton: where am I?
Warren: you’re in Repressa.
Colton: Is that the new techno club down on fifth? How did I get here?
Doc: you don’t remember anything?
Colton: well, me and The Doogster were throwing back shots at the Gala for Trump’s third inauguration. I was on my way to the bathroom when Sally from marketing jumped me. That’s about it.
Doc: fascinating.
Colton: Hey, is the buffet still open, I’m kind of hungry. I’ve been on this vegan cleanse for a few months now to tone up for kitesurfing season. What time is it? Hey, where’s my Rolex, wait! Where’s my arm!
Auggie: Hello, I hate to break up this reunion, but can someone untie me
(Doc noticed Auggie)
Doc: Augustus? Son, is that you?
(Doc takes off Auggie’s blindfold, the two hug. As they embrace a car drives through wall with OWL at the helm, Mad Max style. Stiletto is wearing black leather outfit and wearing her heels. The rest of the crew jump out ready to fight. Rosen runs over but Stiletto uses freeze gun on him– fog clears and he is frozen, Han Solo in Carbonite style.)
Auggie: Stiletto! You came for me!
Stiletto: You better believe it. We’re here to bring you home baby!
Auggie: Aw, she does like me. Wait! No more fighting. We have some great news! My dad found a cure!
SLIX: A cure?
Boomer: why, that is amazing.
OWL: Your dad? Jack, is that really you?
Doc: Yes Oliver, it is me.
DUDE: Oliver?
OWL: Yes, my birth name was Oliver Wendell Lomam,
DUDE: Ahh!
Doc: Oliver, all of those years of dreaming and planning finally have borne fruit. I declare today to be the final day of the zombie apocalypse!
(All cheer. Stiletto runs to Auggie and they hug)
Auggie: Promise you’ll never leave me again
Stiletto: As long as you promise to follow me to the ends of the earth and back.
Auggie: I know that will be a fun ride, so you got it!
Warren: Well, I guess we have some celebrating to do! Rosen, Stern break out the good stuff and let’s have a party!
Rosen: Um, I’d love to, but I’m kind of stuck here.
Warren: Oops, yeah, we’ll let you thaw first. Everybody, lay down your arms, no need for our houses to be suspicious of each or be at odds any longer. We have some zombies to cure and a world to rebuild! To start, I’m going to send Chip a bill for that wall though.
Everyone hugs and glasses are passed around. People laughing
OWL: Hear ye, hear ye (taps his glass). I think this occasion warrants a little speech.
DUDE: When does OWL need an occasion to make a speech?
OWL: OK, OK, I’ll keep it short. On the dawn of this new era, I want to take the opportunity to admit that I have been wrong. (turns to Stiletto) You were correct dear, imposing a name on someone was not right, regardless of intention. Forget the old rules, if you will allow me the honor though, I would like to anoint you both with new names, names of your choosing. I’m tired of these FLAs anyway, there are only so many four-letter combinations.
Boomer: actually, there are 456,976 four letter combinations, I have noticed the names you choose typically contain at least one vowel, which brings the number down to 87,880, unless you count Y as a vowel, then there are 105,456 possible names.
OWL: Thank you Boomer. Let us all raise a toast to Stiletto and SWAG. Everyone needs to chart their own course in life and your courage and dedication should be your guides. There is a lot of work ahead of all of us, so I’m glad you two have found each other as we start this new chapter of our lives.
(showtune type music starts)
“Everyone Has a Story”
Owl
Just open their book, and turn that page
Take a look inside and suddenly you’ll be engaged
Because history, doesn’t boast all the glory
Everyone here has to tell their own story
Life’s so funny, we’ve made it through this mess,
Everyone has a story, let’s hear from the rest.
Doc
My work saving the world took some sacrifice
I ignored my kids, hurt friends and lost my wife.
Now, I am the hero who saved us all.
Such humility and skill deserves a gold medal
Life’s so funny, we’ve made it through this mess,
Everyone has a story, but mine is the best
Colton
I was rich, practically a millionaire
Partied hard, dropping cash like I didn’t a care
Come on, that deserves at least one fist bump
I even donated tons electing President Tr…
(Warren knocks him on head. Music stops. Everyone looks at him.)
Warren: What? I’m just making Repressa Great Again.
Life’s so funny, we’ve made it through this mess,
Everyone has a story, we’re not that impressed.
Warren
Are they serious? Is this really it?
I don’t want it to be the end of the apocalypse.
I’ve done well here as a two-bit dictator
Do I have to go back to being an insurance broker?
Life’s so funny, we’ve made it through this mess,
Everyone has a story, mine makes me depressed.
Extras
We’re nobody! Our lives barely fill a page.
Simple extras standing far left of center stage.
Our costumes may be old shirts and faded jeans
But without us there’d be no fancy dance routines
Life’s so funny, we’ve made it through this mess,
Everyone has a story, ours will be next.
Slix
Now the curse is lifted, I can drop the act
To a life alone, I’m never going back.
I was the recluse diesel blooded, hard-ass.
I’ll retool as the girlfriend with only minimal sass.
Life’s so funny, we’ve made it through this mess,
Everyone has a story, mine I’ll confess.
(goes over to Boomer and kisses him)
Boomer, I love you. Will you start this new life with me?
Stiletto
I’m free! I can live my life my own way.
I’ve proven myself, so abuelo no longer has a say.
I want to spread my wings and head out on my own.
But, if I fall, I know I can still go home.
Life’s so funny, we’ve made it through this mess,
Everyone has a story, I won’t live mine in a dress…unless, I want to
Auggie
I spent a lifetime living through hell
Needless to say that happiness hasn’t always gone so well
I’ve saved my ass, fought hard, and made some friends
I’ve watched some leave but not all have met their ends
Life’s so funny, I’ve made it through this mess,
Everyone has a story, but…
Who’s to say that anyone’s the best?
Cast: (Our’s is the best)
Auggie: No one is superior
Cast: (Our’s is the best)
Auggie: No one is inferior
Cast: (Our’s is the best)
Auggie: No, I don’t see that one’s the best
Mine’s as great as all the rest
Cast: Yes, my story is pretty great!
Auggie: But all of them deserves a 5-star rate
Cast: A 5-star rate
Everyone has a story and this one’s the best
Everyone continues to enjoy the party. Stiletto is near hole talking with Slix and Doc. OWL and Auggie are talking near the lab door. No one sees zombies come in through the hole.
Rosen: ah boss. Boss! (zombie starts to bite him) BOSS! ZOMBIES!
Zombies stream in, action stops as Doc is attacked.
Duke sneaks in through the hole, grabs a drink from a person’s hand who is getting eaten
Duke: Yeah, it’s as bad as it looks. Game of Thrones bad. What, you’re surprised? Did I promise you a happy ending? Sorry to disappoint. I guess I should get on with it.
You’d think Stiletto would be one of the first to go standing around in those heels. But, I tell ya, she did manage to get her first kill that day, but sadly it was also her last.
(Stiletto takes off heels and stabs zombie in head with it before another one bites her) I guess Auggie should’ve spent less time kissing her and more time teaching her how to fight. But, even in her undead state, she was graceful. No shambling for her.
(Stiletto dances off to the side of the stage where Chip is lit up looking off in the distance) She pirouetted all the way back to Hullum, where by the dim light of dawn, Chip was waiting for his favorite granddaughter with the gates open. Legends say he knew she had turned and calmly let her destroy him and everything he had built. Romantic hogwash. I saw the security footage, he squealed and cried like anyone else whose entrails are torn out before their very eyes.
Slix also fought hard that day. She would’ve made it out but as she approached her car, she noticed Boomer got bit. He was no field operative and had no business being outside the walls of Hullsum, but love does a funny thing to people. Slix knew Boomer’s biggest fear was losing the brain he thought was his only asset. What a fool, he had so much to offer and SLIX knew that. Like I said, love does funny things to people. (Slix holds Boomer tight as his collar starts to flash, kisses him, and both blow up)
The rest? They all just died and eventually came back to feed on the living, the vicious cycle we all know. No one else’s story is very memorable, well, except maybe OWL’s story. He did prove one last time that he was useful.
OWL: (grabs Auggie’s arm) Auggie, stop,
Auggie: I must save her
OWL: it is too late, she’s already turned.
Auggie: But..
OWL: The only hope is to go into that lab and find your father’s cure.
Auggie: you’re right, I can do it, I can save her. (Auggie runs into the lab, door closes as the zombies attack OWL and feed on him, blocking the door. Auggie is at the window banging, trying to get out. Curtain closes.)
Duke: So, that is where my tale ends. Not as sweet an ending as the flavor of your stew, but filling none the less. Oh my, look how the fire has died down, Old Duke has been yabbering late into the night, apologizes. You might want to build up your blaze again. No, no worries, these woods are safe. Old King Rodriquez does a good job of keeping his lands clear of the things that go bite in the night and no bandito would dare assault a traveller on the King’s Road. You’re headed there, ah, please give my regards to the King and let him know Old Duke isn’t poaching no deer…What you say? Old King Rodriquez is passed? What, when? Ohh, Old Duke used to hear all that happened in these lands, now I fear my ears don’t work as well as they did in my youth. How did this happen? Peacefully in his sleep surrounded by his loving family? HA, I’m sure the Queen Mother Paris helped that along with a little taste of the hemlock. He he. Which of his brood is to succeed him? El Blanco or Lil’ David? Princess Jenni! Why, I’ll be. She always was the smart one, sharp like her auntie, and kind too. She’ll make a great Queen, rule the Western Valleys and beyond in time. Maybe I’ll pilgrimage over to the capital to pay my respects. I’m not sure anyone wants to hear from Old Duke much any more, but even a Queen needs to learn to appreciate what she has and try not to burn her hands reaching for the stars.
Duke pulls pendant from coat and types in code.
Electronic Voice: Incorrect passcode, failed attempt number 3 million, 536 thousand, 942. Please try again. Incorrect passcode, failed attempt number 3 million, 536 thousand, 943. Please try again.
The End
(cast takes bows, clears stage)
Projector on curtain: 28 Days Later
(girl walks slowly onto empty stage, looking around.)
Judith: Hello? Dad?
(Auggie’s hand slams on window of lab, Judith jumps)
Auggie: Judith! Is that you?
Judith: Auggie? (runs to door)
(lights go out)