4 chairs, 3 kids playing violin (Vivaldi), CHP at his desk talking to Matador
Auggie enters, listens at the door.
Chip: So you are certain everything is taken care of?
Matador: Si abuelo, Operation LENS will be a major success and protect Hullsum for years to come.
Chip: Yes, yes. I want to make the big announcement tonight at your sister’s quinceanera. If it truly is as successful as we hope, we can begin rolling it out to the nearby compounds and take back what we deserve. With time, Hullsum will become the center of a new age.
Matador: I won’t let you down mi abuelo. Hasta este noche, until tonight.
(Matador leaves. Auggie steps back and pretends he just arrived. Both scowl at each other.)
Auggie: Matt
Matador: Feral (walks off)
Auggie: Good talk, we’re really making progress. We’ll be friends in no time, sipping coffee at the Central Perk.
(Auggie at Chips door)
Auggie: Knock, knock. You wanted to see me Chip?
Chip: (writing in notebook, doesn’t look up) Come in and have a seat, I’m almost finished. (looks up) I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you happen to play the violin?
Auggie: sorry, never had the time to pick it up.
Chip: Shame, we lost the fourth in the quartet a few months ago. He ventured outside the walls, we found an arm still clutching the bow, but nothing else. Thank you children you are dismissed for now, please continue to practice for tonight’s festivities. Ah, I do love classical music. Did you know Vivaldi started working at an orphanage when he was 25?
Auggie: No, I didn’t know that. Is that Vegan Vivaldi the Vicious who runs that crew of cannibals out of Satan Cruz? I thought he had some moral code about only strictly eating adults.
Chip: What? No…
Auggie: Oh, you must be Vicar Vivaldi the Bishop out of Sacrament. Is it the orphans who make those fragrant candles? I didn’t realize little kids made those things, I really liked the smell of the…
Chip: (angry) No, you heathen. Antonio Vivaldi, the Italian Baroque composer and violinist. I thought you claimed to be educated.
Auggie: Well, I might not know all the musicians who play the fiddle, but I’d argue that knowing the difference between the Vivaldi who will serve you a meal for a little candle making and the Vivaldi who will serve you as a meal is a pretty good bit of knowledge to have.
Chip: Enough of this tomfoolery, this is about your UTI. Sit down. (pulls out folder and reads through papers) I see you are excelling in your combat lessons and teaching ELF a few new plants in the foraging class. Even OWL generously believes you are doing well in his humanities classes, regardless of your interpretation of Steinbeck’s works. I get mixed reviews from your peers, but children will be children. So, I believe you are familiar with the Hullsum policy on naming of new members of the community. Section 4, paragraph 8 states a decision on the initiation of postulates will take place within 30 days of their passage through the gates. A panel of 3 TLAs will review the applicants UTI and submit their recommendation to the Chief Hullsum Patron, whose decision is final. (looks down from papers and at Auggie) Few applicants ever require 30 days as we can see the quality of a child very quick, but I like to be thorough. I called you in here to inform you that your application has been denied.
Auggie: What?
Chip: I understand you did not come to us with many personal possessions, but we will outfit you for your journey. It is never said Hullsum is ungenerous to orphans.
Auggie: I’m not an orphan! I have a family and don’t need your sanctimonious posturing. My father and sister are still out there and maybe even my mom. I only came here because Carl convinced me I could learn something, and he was right, I learned you are just another bloated wannabe king holding court over a bunch of soft compound brats. You think you are safe behind your walls, but I’ve seen better places than this fall. Go ahead and continue to fool yourself that you are the last hope for humanity, that you are resurrecting civilization by putting down the dead one at a time.
Chip: (angry) Are you quite done with your little tantrum? You are so like your father. (Auggie shocked) Yes, I knew him. We once worked together, before you were born. We had ideas to combat the plague, but we parted ways. He thought wandering around like a vagabond was the best way to protect his family. I don’t know what he was looking for, but I found both purpose and safety in Hullsum. We are the ship that will deliver humanity through this storm. Wave after wave can crash against our mighty hull, but none will breach, as the sum of the individuals is always greater than any one person. You will never see that, so you must leave and not poison our society. Go live among the dead. Get your fill of food and drink tonight, enjoy the last look at civilization and return to the wild. You do not belong here.
(Auggie leaves, angry stomping around the hall. Stage is dark)
Auggie: That man is unbelievable! Self righteous, arrogant, so and so. I don’t want to stay here anyway, following his stupid rules. I just wish I could figure out what he is hiding and expose him for the corrupt despot he is. What is he up to? Think Auggie, think!
(fast showtune style music starts)
“Something Rotten in Hullsum”
I can’t believe I failed his test
Why is he questioning my usefulness
I tried so hard to do my best
Now who’ll help clean up this mess?
He must have some ulterior motive
An evil plot no one can forgive
I must work to set this puzzle free
With the truth, they’ll never muzzle me
Chorus of zombies come on stage and follow Auggie around as he is pacing back and forth across the stage.
Chorus
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
Those smiling faces are hiding something
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
It stinks worse than a zombie farting
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
We need a hero to save our nation.
Auggie: Think Auggie, think. There must be some clues!
(Light shines on Boomer standing with Bertha and the collar)
Boomer: I originally designed these tiny explosives for Chip and Lenny’s project. He needed a module very small but powerful enough to blow up a mass the size of a melon.
(Auggie looks pensive)
Chorus
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
Those smiling faces are hiding something
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
It stinks worse than a zombie farting
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
We need a hero to save our nation.
Light shines on OWL at desk holding a book
OWL: Benjamin Franklin once said, “Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.”
Chorus
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
Those smiling faces are hiding something
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
It stinks worse than a zombie farting
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
We need a hero to save our nation.
Light shines on DUDE sitting at a computer screen programming
DUDE: It’s a learning algorithm I made for Chip. Do you know how hard it is to isolate and identify the unique brain waves patterns for mind control?
Light goes out. Auggie looks concerned.
Chorus
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
Those smiling faces are hiding something
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
It stinks worse than a zombie farting
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
We need a hero to save our nation.
Stiletto: (singing) You give me feelings of, a Zombie Love. Oh, oh, oh. I figured what I hunger of, it’s a Zombie Love.
(Turns and looks at Auggie)
I’m going to remember this night for the rest of my life
(Auggie stops pacing back and forth and starts to smile. Chorus looks mad.)
Chip: We’ll launch my evil scheme right after your sister’s quinceanera. (evil laugh)
Matador: And we will finally rule all of Hullsum and be rid of that meddling feral! (evil laugh)
(Auggie gets angry and starts pacing again)
Chorus
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
Those smiling faces are hiding something
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
It stinks worse than a zombie farting
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
We need a hero to save our nation.
OWL: Edmund Burke once said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that…”
Stiletto: Oh Auggie, I want to spend every waking hour with you. Deny my grandfather and refuse thy name, Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Rodriquez like my stupid brother and evil grandfather. Kiss me, kiss me you big hunk.
(Auggie walks over to Stiletto, both with arms out. He starts to hug himself as her light turns off.)
Chorus (looks confused, singing slowly and jumbled)
There’s something rotten in Hullsum
Those smiling faces are hiding something
There’s something rotten in Hullsum…
Chorus trails off and wanders away as Auggie is hugging himself, kissing the air. Music stops
Auggie: (muttering) Oh Auggie, you’re such a good kisser, oh yeah…
(Boomer enters, lights go up)
Boomer: Are you all right?
(Auggie startled. Stops hugging himself.)
Auggie: What? Oh, um, yeah, I was just stretching out, doing some cardio.
Boomer: sure
Auggie: I have something to tell you, I’m, I’m leaving Hullsum, tonight.
Boomer: What? Why? Did you just come from Chip’s? Listen, I know he can be demanding, but you need to give him a chance..
Auggie: It’s not my choice, he does not want to give me a chance. I failed my UTI.
Boomer: What? There must be some mistake. I calculated the probability of you passing your UTI with a score of 118, that’s including a .5 standard deviation. I’ll have to go back and recalculate…
Auggie: Boomer, just stop. Your biggest problem is you cannot calculate for emotions, especially hate and Chip hates me.
Boomer: I don’t think that is true
Auggie: Listen, it doesn’t matter, what’s done is done. I just wish I could’ve lasted until Carl showed up, I know I could’ve convinced him that something is up around here.
Boomer: what do you mean?
Auggie: I think Chip is planning something and it isn’t good. I did some digging around and I uncovered a secret plan called LEN or LENNY. I don’t know what it is all about or even what it stands for but I’m getting close. I think that is why he kicked me out.
Boomer: Project LENS stands for Lazarus Effect Negation System.
Auggie: What? You know about it?
Boomer: Yes, we all do. Many of us have been collaborating on it for a year and a half. I thought you knew. I told you the tiny explosives I made for Bertha were derived from work on the LENS.
Auggie: You did? I guess I wasn’t paying attention
Boomer: You aren’t a very good listener
Auggie: That’s not true! Well, maybe, but I have been trying harder. I’m sorry. You are a good friend and I haven’t always treated you right. But, still, how could you go along with Chip’s evil scheme? Is it some kind of mind control device? Is he making you all slaves with some kind of implant or…
Boomer: Stop. LENS is a collar equipped with a small explosive device that will only go off when a person begins to turn, effectively stopping the spread of zombism.
Auggie: That is sick! What will prevent Chip from holding you hostage or blackmailing you into doing his bidding?
Boomer: It is not like that at all. The collars are self contained and have no wireless capabilities. DUDE programmed the collars himself and I trust him implicitly. They will only execute the termination protocol if the program detects a radical change in the host’s brain wave activity.
Auggie: Termination protocol? You mean it blows your head off!
Boomer: That is one way of looking at it.
Auggie: Why would you people willingly wear one of those things?
Boomer: I can’t speak for everyone, but I welcome the sense of security the LENS program provides. The community is ensured peace of mind that none of its members can accidently turn on the whole.
Auggie: But you are giving up your freedom for a small piece of security.
Boomer: Listen Auggie, you are a great guy. You have a lot going for you, you are funny, smart, talented on the battlefield and off. It is no wonder CC, I mean Stiletto, fell in love with you.
Auggie: well, I don’t know…
Boomer: Let me finish. I know I’m different. I don’t have your skills and never will, but I know my brain is useful to everyone in Hullsum. My biggest fear isn’t dying, but turning into one of those mindless creatures. I would be less than nothing and can’t live with that threat.
Auggie: Boomer, don’t say that. You are valuable for many reasons and people appreciate you for who you are, not just your Usefulness Score. Especially SLIX, you know she likes you.
Boomer: What? Stop joking around.
Auggie: I’m serious. As smart as you are, you are dumb when it comes to girls. Trust me, you should talk to her. It took me a long time to finally admit to Stiletto that I liked her and it was the best feeling in my life.
Boomer: really? You think I should?
Auggie: YOLO my man,you only live once. Unless of course you get bit and then you get a second chance, but I don’t think SLIX would kiss you if you were trying to eat her brains.
Boomer: don’t joke about that. So, what are you going to do?
Auggie: I don’t think I have a choice, I have to move on. I’m used to it, no big deal, there are plenty of compounds out there that I need to check out now that I know my dad and sister are still alive.
Boomer: I understand, but do me one favor and talk to OWL first.
Auggie: I’m not sure what it will help, but I’ll consider it.
Boomer: and more importantly, say goodbye to Stiletto, she’ll miss you the most.
Auggie: yeah, that’s going to be a hard one. It might be easier to just slip away.
Boomer: Let me give you some good advice I recently heard, go talk to her.
Auggie: (laugh) see, you can be funny.
Both leave