(Kids standing around the classroom, chatting with each other. Matador writing in a notebook sitting apart, Stiletto reading a book, DUDE chatting with some girl, Paris has head down on desk, SLIX in back working on her car, other kids at desk talking. Auggie enters.)
Auggie: Yo, yo, what up my peeps. Fido, how is the squirrel jerky going, you using that Elderberry marinade I gave you? Trig, you are a lifesaver, those tips helped me nail my Improvised Explosives and Caustic Cleaning Supplies assignment, Boomer gave me a B+. (passes Stiletto, tips his hat) My lady. The Beast is looking good SLIX, can’t wait to drive in her. DUDE, my man, looking good.
DUDE: Feeling good.
Paris: (hand over head, low and whiny voice) argh. Why are you so loud, please stop talking.
Auggie: Yikes, what’s up with I Zombie over there?
Stiletto: She had to pull an all nighter to prepare for her Literature review. See Paris, this is what happens when you put things off.
Paris: ok, ok, I’m ready, I just need a Mocha Frappuccino to get my brain going
Auggie: What? I’ve been here a month now and you’ve been hiding the Frappuccinos on me!
DUDE: ha, ha, no man, we haven’t had any coffee drinks around here for a long time. She saw someone drinking one on a DVD once and won’t stop talking about it.
Paris: that’s not true
Stiletto: Yeah, she also talks about half-caf lattes.
Paris: why do you have to be like that, I’m suffering here
Auggie: I can go get you some of ELF’s chicory brew
Paris: EW-A! Just kill me now, that stuff is disgusting.
Auggie: Dang girl, you sound as annoying as the nurse in Dawn of the Dead.
DUDE: Which one, the 1978 original or the 2004 remake?
Auggie: DUDE, you’ve seen them? The original is a classic, and I generally don’t like remakes, but they didn’t do too bad of a job rebooting it.
DUDE: nah, man, I’ve never had the pleasure of actually seeing them, but I did study all of the Romero films in a correspondence class I took through Bay City University.
Auggie: no way, I audited one of Dr Berthold’s classes at BCU when we spent a few months living in OakTown.
DUDE: The guy is a genius, I took his “Biters, Eaters, and Walkers: A Retrospective of the Living Dead from 1968 to 2025”, I wish I could’ve met him in person.
Auggie: I’ve heard about that class, sounds awesome. He was teaching, “Seven ate nine. Zombie humor at the start of the new millennium.” when I was there. You must be a glutton for punishment if you sign up for a correspondence class on top of all the course work here
Stiletto: He had no choice, OWL makes us all take a class from BCU before we can graduate.
Auggie: Really? Have you taken one yet?
Stiletto: Of course, I’ve taken several. The last one was a philosophy course called, “God is undead: Nietzsche’s slave morality applied to metaphysical post-dead nihilism.”
Auggie: huh? I don’t think I understand more than two words in that sentence.
Stiletto: You actually might like Nietzsche, he writes a lot about the modern struggle to find a moral center in difficult times. One quote in particular I think you will find relevant is: “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster.”
Auggie: Ah duh, the whole point of fighting zombies is avoiding being bit so they don’t turn you. Jeez, this Nietzsche guy must be holed up in some compound protected from the real world. If that was the most relevant pearl of wisdom, that class couldn’t have been all that hard.
DUDE: Yo man, you don’t know, she takes all of the hardest classes and still gets A’s. Paris on the other hand…
Paris: Don’t start with me. It was an honest mistake.
Auggie: What? You have to tell me!
Paris: I signed up for “Shopping Malls vs Modified Gated Communities: A comparative analysis of improvised fortifications” and it had nothing to do with shopping or interior design.
DUDE: ha ha, I still don’t know what you were thinking. At least he gave you a pity C so you didn’t have to repeat it.
Auggie: Improvised fortifications, ha, sounds like a class SLIX would enjoy. Hey SLIX, what did you take?
SLIX: If you need to know, I didn’t take a class, I actually wrote a capstone dissertation instead.
DUDE: Yeah, it was some heavy stuff and she nailed it.
SLIX: I titled it “Robot Apocalypse, Nuclear Holocaust, and Irreversible Climate Change: Survivability Matrix of Man-made Catastrophes.” My central thesis was the robot apocalypse was the most survivable due to the unmatched creativity of the human mind to solve complex problems.
Stiletto: Now that you met Auggie, you might need to revise that thesis.
Paris: ha ha, it’s funny because it’s true
Auggie: Oh look who decided to come back from the dead.
Paris: You wished you’d look as good as me when you turn. When I go, no one is even going to notice, they’ll just think I forgot to apply my base layer. I’ll be walking around biting heads and people will be like, damn she is hot.
DUDE: Yeah, I totally see it, you’ll be one of those Romero slow walkers with the vacant look on your face. Brains, brains, where can I get some brains.
Paris: very funny
DUDE: Now me on the other hand will be one of the shamblers, just strutting around without a care, am I hungry? Maybe. Am I gonna eat you? I haven’t decided yet, but if I do get hungry you better watch out cause I’m gonna catch you eventually. Ladies, I’m talking to you.
Auggie: Ha ha, yeah, I always thought I’d be a shambler, I’ve been practicing my strut.
Stiletto: you, a shambler? No way. You’re going to be one those who gets bit and yabbers on and on as you turn. “Oh no, look at me, I’m bit, oh the humanity of it all. I’m too young to go, will someone suck the venom out, what do you think we’re having for dinner tonight? Oh wait, I guess I have to find my own dinner”
DUDE: ha ha, she got you pegged.
Auggie: cute, very funny. Now let’s figure out what kind of zombie Ms. Goody Two Shoes is. I’m voting on Rage Zombie. One bite and all that prim and proper facade falls away and she runs at you, tearing out your throat in one swipe.
SLIX: Nah, we all know only MATT fits that description
Matador: (sitting by himself, writing in a notebook) Leave me out of your childish conversations. This is the last time I need to suffer through this class and I want to do it in silence.
Stiletto: thank you SLIX
SLIX: Nah, she’s more of an OCD Zombie. She’ll be stuck to the same spot, doing the same thing over and over again for eternity, probably reading a book or something.
Stiletto: humph, I don’t think I’d mind that, as long as it is a good book.
Auggie: oh wait, I got a good one. I totally know what kind of zombie Boomer is going to be.
SLIX: Stop, don’t even go there. (stands up threatenly)
Auggie: Come on, he’s not here, plus this is really…
SLIX: I said stop! (edges closer with fists up)
DUDE: Yeah, man, no joke, Boomer has a thing about turning. It’s a sore subject.
Auggie: OK, OK, I think we all know what kind of zombie SLIX will be
All: Rage zombie!
OWL enters class.
OWL: OK class, settle down, it is time to begin
Kids take their seats, becomes quiet
OWL: Today we are going to pick up where we left off with our individual presentations. Today, I believe Ms. Paris will regale us with her interpretation of one of the Bard’s most famous plays. A story of star-crossed lovers who…
ELF walks in.
ELF: Excuse me Professor OWL, knock, knock, may I borrow the NOOB for a while.
OWL: (obviously flustered.) Oh, hello ELF, yes, good afternoon to you too, I mean, yes, please, please, he is all yours
ELF: A scout brought me back some wonderful new mushrooms from the forest south of here and I hope your student can help me identify them.
OWL: Ah, yes, I heard he is skilled with wildlife.
Auggie: I’d be glad to help, I am the original Fun-Gus.
Class: ugh, lame.
DUDE: See you later SWAG
OWL: SWAG?
DUDE: Yeah, that’s what I’m calling him. The boy is loco with the moves and he reminded me of that guy Gus who came through here last year. Gus had some moves, but SWAG goes beyond, he is a Super Wild Ass Gus: SWAG. Ha ha, see you aren’t the only one who knows how to throw down a FLA.
ELF: DUDE, you know very well, this NOOB will have the chance to be named proper if he passes his probation. We all need to respect the process. Let us go. I’ll bring him back shortly.
OWL: Yes, thank you. I will be waiting with bated breath for your return. Ah, I mean, sorry, we are doing a Shakespeare lesson so I’m already in character.
ELF: bye, Professor. ELF and Auggie leave.
OWL: OK, where were we? Ms. Paris are you ready to wow us with your analysis of Shakespeare’s classic Romeo and Juliet? Did you have a particular passage you wanted to start off with?
Paris: Ah, yeah (gets up from desk)
OWL: Great, you have center stage
Paris: well, like, there is sort of a problem.
OWL: go on
Paris: yeah, like, I lost the book when CC, I mean Stiletto made me go outside.
Stiletto: Paris!
Paris: I mean, I lost the book, yeah, it’s gone.
OWL: You lost the last copy we had of Romeo and Juliet?
Paris: it seems that way, sure
DUDE: no great loss, that story has been overdone.
OWL: True, but Ms. Paris, you know our collection of books is finite and we can’t just go down to Barnes and Nobles to pick up more.
DUDE: yeah, especially after they burned most of the books to stay warm during that cold winter we had 10 years ago
OWL: please, do not remind me of those dark days. Well Ms Paris, did you at least memorize a passage before losing the book?
Paris: sure, like, sort of.
OWL: please, please proceed.
Paris stands in front of the class.
Paris: (reciting her lines dramatically) O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Umm…What is your name? Rosey? Like, you kind of smell like feet. Or is it your arm, or face, or hand that smells? Oh Rosey, if you weren’t so hot, I wouldn’t call you anymore. I mean, like clean your feet.
(Kids laugh)
OWL: thank you Ms. Paris, that will do for today. Maybe you can watch the DVD during your next screen time.
Stiletto: Professor OWL, I do have a question about that passage.
OWL: yes Ms Rodriguez.
Stiletto: If I understand Paris’ reading of the passage…excellent job Paris…I think Shakespeare was saying that names do not matter.
OWL: true, that is one interpretation.
Stiletto: I think about that line I see quoted often, “What is in a name, That which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet;”…you were very close Paris, super impressive…so if this is true, why are there strict rules around who gets to hand out names in Hullsum.
OWL: why Ms. Rodriquez, you know our bylaws were put in place long ago by your grandfather to help bring back some semblance of civilization. None of you kids are old enough to remember the years of uncertainty and barbarism that followed the plague, and I’m not just talking about the flesh eating terrors. The world was a mess and no one trusted anyone until Chip helped gather us all together and build Hullsum up from nothing.
Stiletto: what has that have to do with names?
OWL: Naming ceremonies have a long tradition throughout human history and Chip was correct to revive the practice. When a child comes of age, the elders of this community help transition that child into adulthood and welcome them into the community. To guide them to their rightful place in the tribe, a name is bestowed upon them. True, a name may not always define who you are or who you can be, but you should trust the committee to help find your place among this wonderful community.
Stiletto: yeah, I’ve heard that speech before.
DUDE: we all have heard that speech before. I mean, I’m not complaining, I think DUDE is an awesome name, but I’m with Stiletto, I think we should have a say.
Class: yeah!
DUDE: You know I respect you OWL, but the whole ceremony with the Naming Hat bit is kind of corny. (Picks up hat off of OWL’s desk. Reads logo) “I tell Inside” where did you get that from? Some NOOB who was passing through said he read about a sorting hat in a book once.
OWL: I am not familiar with that book. Anyway, the hat is an artifact from Chip’s previous life, before the plague. Yes, it might be corny, but pageantry is always part of the ceremony.
Stiletto: But what you are saying does not address what Shakespeare already knew—names do not matter and people need to chart their own lives.
Music starts up, upbeat hip hop
What’s in a Name
Cast:
What’s in a name, what’s in a name,
How we turned out, we have our parents to blame
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
You deal the cards then play your own game.
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
When Death comes a-knocking, it all ends the same.
DUDE:
Yo, yo, yo, I know how it goes so listen carefully
I was once hot for a girl they called Chastity
She lived up to her name always praying so religiously
Never once giving up even a single kiss to me
SLIX: Ah, dork, you know she was hooking up with Jesse
DUDE: WHAT!, Wait, Jesse the girl or Jesse the boy?
Cast:
What’s in a name, what’s in a name,
How we turned out, we have our parents to blame
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
You deal the cards then play your own game.
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
When Death comes a-knocking, it all ends the same.
Boomer:
There’s a hundred eighteen elements on the periodic table
Remembering their names and purpose I am willing and able
I know dihydrogen monoxide is what you call water.
Just don’t ask me to remember what’s-her-name’s daughter.
Cast:
What’s in a name, what’s in a name,
How we turned out, we have our parents to blame
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
You deal the cards then play your own game.
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
When Death comes a-knocking, it all ends the same.
Stiletto:
God gave man domain over all Adam named
He then destroyed or killed whatever he hasn’t tamed
The world is a mess and it’s Eve who got blamed?
Carrying around this extra rib makes me feel ashamed
Cast:
What’s in a name, what’s in a name,
How we turned out, we have our parents to blame
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
You deal the cards then play your own game.
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
When Death comes a-knocking, it all ends the same.
Matador:
Early on I branded myself El Matador
Thousand signatures poured since from my faithful sword
Mine’s the last name zombies hear when they meet their ends
Just don’t mention my mom’s obsession with that show Friends
Cast:
What’s in a name, what’s in a name,
How we turned out, we have our parents to blame
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
You deal the cards then play your own game.
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
When Death comes a-knocking, it all ends the same.
OWL:
What do I care if go by a nom de guerre
That pseudonym won’t change the class your in
You don’t have to ask to wear a new mask
Just take your elders to task for a name that lasts
Cast:
What’s in a name, what’s in a name,
How we turned out, we have our parents to blame
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
You deal the cards then play your own game.
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
When Death comes a-knocking, it all ends the same.
SLIX:
My birth name? Us foundlings have no one to ask it
Ya think Moses knows if there was a label on his basket?
I’m living at full octane till I blow my last gasket.
So they better get the spelling right as they lower my casket.
Cast:
What’s in a name, what’s in a name,
How we turned out, we have our parents to blame
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
You deal the cards then play your own game.
What’s in a name, what’s in a name
When Death comes a-knocking, it all ends the same.